Analysis of Democrat Debate

[Ed. note: This is from a friend of mine who asked me to use the name I.M. Obsessive.]

So I watched the Democratic presidential debate on CNN tonight. What a cosmic freak show that was. This thing made Springer look high-brow. About half-way through, I was sincerely hoping one candidate would have the decency to lean into the microphone and start making those farting sounds with his armpit, if only to raise the overall intellectual level of the dialogue. Though a neocon, I actually started to feel sorry for these clowns; they really could be the nine biggest dumbfucks on the face of God's green earth.

At least everyone's defined themselves... and none of these putzmonkeys has a snowball's chance in hell of beating Bush next year. Dubya can mangle every word he utters in public for the next 13 months and he'll still look a thousand times more intelligent than any of these buttheads. I'm serious, even Al "Forrest Gump" Gore was probably watching this thing saying, "Anyways, Ah think these people are stoopid. Anyways, they should all be put in a lockbox." And, for once in his life, Gore wouldn't be overestimating his own "abilities"; he would actually be justified in believing he's more intelligent than the "Nonsensical Nine."

This is what it's come down to.

1) Wesley Clark: "Even though I've praised the magnificent George W. Bush and his stellar, brilliant administration -- repeatedly -- for the splendid, tremendous job they've done, I've never commended this evil, vile dictatorship for anything and I've always opposed their brutal and inept tyranny -- I don't know where these stories about my so-called support for Bush and being inconsistent in my views are coming from. Hillary? Hillary? Are you ready to step in, take over the campaign staff that you and Bill put together for me, and take my place as the candidate? I'm getting tired of this politics stuff and I don't want to be your point man anymore."

2) Howard Dean: Howie's getting upset about people pointing out that the "liberal darling" of the race actually had a semi-conservative record as the governor of Vermont. His new line: "I didn't know I was Newt Gingrich." (Not to be picky, but most conservative and non-partisan PACs and special interest groups agree that, despite his rhetoric on TV, Gingrich actually had the "eighth most liberal" voting record of all 535 legislators in the House and Senate during the 105th Congress.)

3) John Edwards: The multimillionaire trial lawyer looking out for the little guy. Every time he spoke it sounded like one of those post-midnight, public access ads you always see for the local ambulance chaser. You know, the one where he's sitting at a desk next to a plastic plant while he's telling you to call him immediately if you want to sue your doctor for seven figures because -- damn him! -- he forgot to warm up the stethoscope before placing it on your chest and, well, the sudden cold sensation made your nipples harder than Archbishop Law at the local Gap Kids and you were so damn embarrassed that you now need no less than five or six mil just to ease your pain and stop the sudden onset of bedwetting and chronic public masturbation. Whenever Edwards spoke, I was waiting for "Call 1-800-LAW-SUIT Right Now to Sue Your Parents For Every Fuckin' Dime They've Got" to pop up on the bottom of the screen. I love that. A friggin' trial-lawyer-turned-U.S.-Senator worth millions upon millions looking right into the camera and telling me he wants to look out for the little guy. Yeah, no shit. He wants a chunk of the little guy's "award" once that lawsuit against McDonald's gets handed down and the FDA bans fast food because some fat ass doesn't have enough common sense to put down the Big Mac and eat a Goddamn salad once the scale starts to tip to the right of the 500 mark.

4) Dick Gephardt: His entire platform revolves around the fact that he's proud he supported Clinton's half-assed legislation in the U.S. House for eight years, especially the largest tax hike in history back in 1993.

5) John Kerry: Attack, attack, attack. The prick can't open his mouth without taking a shot at someone. I think he even slammed on an old lady in a wheelchair hooked up to an oxygen tank somewhere in the audience. Nothing but tough talk from the Butcher of Buôn Mê Thuôt.

6) Dennis Kucinich: He just wants to hand all U.S. sovereignty over to Kofi Annan and Hans Blix and have the buttplugs at the UN run the world. He's nothing but anti-war and "whatever Ralph Nader said back in 2000, I pretty much agree with." If Nader doesn't run again, I think the Greenies have their guy for '04.

7) Joe Lieberman: Ah, the world would be a better place if only the evil Supreme Court and Satan spawn such as Jeb Bush and Catherine Harris didn't steal the 2000 election from him and Al Gore. To his credit, he didn't use the word "lockbox" and he stuck by his views on letting Israel thump some serious Palestinian ass. Still, I think Joe's best shot would be to run with the "Lieberman is Palpatine/Darth Sidious" stuff being spread around on the 'Net. He should start coming to debates dressed in a black Sith cloak with a hood, and his staff should play the Emperor/Sidious theme from Return of the Jedi, The Phantom Menace, and Attack of the Clones whenever he speaks. Maybe get one or two volunteers to dress up like Imperial Royal Guardsmen and stand on each side of his podium. I really think this strategy is his best -- and only -- bet. Perhaps some endorsements from "apprentices" like Ray Park, Christopher Lee, Hayden Christensen, David Prowse, and James Earl Jones. He's screwed, so he might as well have a little fun before punching out after the Super Tuesday ass-kicking.

8) Carol Moseley-Braun: Carol's entire campaign is now based on the fact that men are brutes who can't lead and have screwed up the whole world and only a woman president can save the day. I shit you not. She actually said that.

9) Al Sharpton: He may be seen by most as the Homer of this particular "Simpsons" episode, but he's starting to sound more and more like Lisa with a slight Harlem accent. Sharpton is the most principled of the lot and he's coming off as -- by far -- the most intelligent. (You have to admit, it does take some degree of intelligence to get loaded running the half-baked racial cons he's been plying in NYC for some two or three decades.) He also cracks the perfect joke at the perfect time and gets the entire crowd to laugh at the eight other jackholes on the stage. If I could vote in the Democratic primary, I'd actually cast my ballot for Sharpton because (a) he really is turning out to be the brightest bulb in a pretty dim pack and (b) Bush would totally annihilate his ass in the general.

But the highlight of the debate had to be at the end. At one point, Carol Moseley-Braun was fielding a question from someone in CNN's DNC-picked crowd (not a white male to be found). The cameraman panned to the left and -- I swear to God -- Al Sharpton was looking right at Moseley-Braun's tits with a raised eyebrow and a smirk, all the while bobbing his head up and down like he was thinking, "Yeah... I'd like to tap me some of that fine, fine ass." I hope the late night talk show guys caught that because it could very well go down as the classic moment of the 2004 presidential campaign. I also think the horn-dog image could work for Sharpton. He should start showing up at the debates dressed up like Snoop Dog. You'd have to admire a guy with the balls to get up on stage and talk about health care while wearing those big-ass, four-meter-wide sunglasses, a fur 10 gallon hat, a velvet overcoat, and 800+ pounds of gold jewelry.

Jesus. The Democratic primary is starting to make the California recall look sane and dignified. After watching this shit, I'm starting to think Gary Coleman and Gallagher aren't exactly the worst candidates I've ever seen. I'd like to think this ugly beast will get a little less freakish once Hillary makes her move and replaces Clark, but I'm starting to think the other eight bozos would be too clueless to drop out, even after the Clinton Machine kicks into high gear.